Heavy

Have you ever felt like there’s this virtual rock inside you that’s constantly weighing you down as you drag through whatever occasion there is, be it happy or disappointing? This sounds as depressing as my long sighs, but yes, I have one.

I’m currently at the stage where I’m stuck – going nowhere and facing crossroads of hopeful dreams and harsh realities – and I tend to hyperventilate every now and then over the “remarkable” things I could have done but did not do. I recently spoke to a close friend about this, and she told me that I’ve achieved a lot and I should just take one step at a time instead of imposing near-to-impossible expectations on myself. It’s a sound advice, but I just couldn’t help it. I’m still hard on myself. Is this some sort of quarter-life crisis?

Feeling lost and all isn’t the only contribution to the weight I’ve been carrying. My physical weight aside (I enjoy trashing myself so let me), I’ve been depressed nothing I’m fine lately. I’m such an imbecile for magnifying my unimportant, stupid feelings instead of investing more time on making myself “great” again. Question is, was I ever “great”? Or it’s only in my head all these while? Why do I even bother with hurtful comments and unnecessary episodes?

I tried. I tried really hard to brush these off, but it’s building up each day. I loathe myself for turning into a weak, emotional creature who only knows how to cry herself to sleep underneath the sheets and pretends everything is fine the next day. The more I suppress, the bigger it grows – it’s now looming over me like a shadow, ready to engulf me as I continue shrinking.

It’s definitely an accumulation of a lot of things. Recognising the fact that I’ve been unhappy for quite some time isn’t enough. What I need is an instant solution, yet I have the slightest idea of how to get rid of it. Quietly deal with it like I always do? Secretly hoping that it’ll eventually disappear? Maybe.

So much for negativity and dark thoughts. I hate it when I’m in this state.

 

中秋

“中秋节快乐!”

如果美雁没发信息给我,我真的忘了原来今天是中秋节。真矛盾,她的信息让我这只冷血动物感到温馨又孤独。中秋节,为何我不回去与家人团聚,反而会一个人在大城市里?2014 年到吉隆波念书的我,因为学业而忙碌和爱玩的性格总是到处往外跑,最后变成了一个不爱回家的孩子。

傻傻的望着天空上·的月亮,我想家了。虽然月亮因为烟霾而变模糊,但月亮还是圆,就像一家人能够坐在一起有说有笑的赏月,吃月饼,点灯笼。还记得,我最后一次点灯笼是两年前在大伯的家与家人庆祝中秋节。如今,大家因为生活忙碌而没时间聚一聚。我也忘了当初热爱摄影的我可以为了拍月亮而冒险的三更半夜站在马路上。现在的我,不怎么会追求自己的爱好,也慢慢失去了想当年对梦想的那份热情。

想起以前单纯的我,我也不知不觉变得更自我,更偏执。如果生活能够简简单单,多么的好呀!实际上,残酷的社会里一点都不简单。为了不失去自己,也许我能够做的就是经常提醒自己多关心和珍惜身边的家人,好朋友与生活中美好的小事。说到要做到哦!!

好了,冷血姐姐要洗澡了。祝大家中秋节快乐!

 

July

I’d like to think that at least some people still care about my well-being and would want to keep up with my life, so I should probably make a quick update before I hit the bed.

  1. I turned 23, and I occasionally panic at the thought that I’ll be in my mid-20s in two years’ time. It matters because I’m still stuck in an awkward position of being handicapped financially and logistically while my other friends have already graduated and are working. Yes, I know I should go on my own pace instead of comparing myself with others, due to the fact that law school does take a longer time (unless I’m in the fastest and smartest), but I hate being in the state of helplessness. All I ask for, at this juncture, is to have a place I could call my home – the home I could go back to after a long day out there, the home that makes me feel safe and warm. It would be a bonus to have someone who feels like home, but oh well, I guess that requires time and chances. Apart from that, I want to be able to help out my family without being a burden. Since I’m on a scholarship, I rarely rely on my parents but it just gets to me that I couldn’t do more, and I feel useless. This explains why I’m dying to graduate as soon as possible, considering that it’s the most feasible way to gain financial autonomy and better social status. I don’t want to be helpless anymore.
  2. While the home I envision to own has yet existed, I managed to find a place to stay during my final year of studies. It’s quite a distance away from campus, which means I need to leave early in order to commute to class, and return early before the day gets dark. Troublesome, yes, but I’m unable to rent a place that’s within my budget near my campus. Well, beggars can’t be choosers. Although the property is old and unfurnished, the room’s pretty huge for my low budget and I get to cook!
  3. I’m currently doing my internship at a prestigious law firm, and I’m enjoying every bit of it (summoned gung-ho Jean). Work may get me a little too occupied, but the factors that keep me going are the friendly environment and the culture of continuous learning. The only downside is they don’t pay a single cent! Despite that, I do hope that I hit the jackpot and get offered a place for pupillage at the firm. *fingers crossed*
  4. Now that I’m treating internship as a simulation of real working life, I will inevitably have lesser time to spare for recreational activities and hobbies. To ensure that I’ll adapt to the working life better next time, I made a pact with my friend to achieve a work-life balance by restricting ourselves from doing work in the weekends and get a life (hah!). So far, we’ve attended martial arts classes and also volunteered for a local soup kitchen. The plan’s going well, I guess, and I wish to maintain it for as long as I can.
  5. The examination result’s out today, and I pretty much achieved my target except for that one subject – Cyber Law. It’s ironic how I’m working under the TMT (tech, media, telco) department at the firm but I got a solid B for this subject. Jokes. It’s slightly disappointing how I was aiming for an A- in order to secure a Dean’s award (so close yet so far…) and also pave the way to getting a First Class Honours. There are still two semesters for me to hustle, but the journey’s gonna be tough if I still want to go for First Class. On the bright side (read: surprisingly), I got A for my research paper! To celebrate, I guess I’m gonna have it printed as a hardbound thesis and get it published in MLJ. Another tick off the list! 

While there are instances when I feel vacant/lonely, I’m grateful that life’s been good so far.

There there

It’s two in the morning and I can’t sleep at all. Guess it’s time for a deep ‘o clock session?

The emotional baggage is definitely there, weighing my heart down. Things may be getting better, but it still stings sometimes. It’s normal, isn’t it? Having your heart ripped apart and then taking some time (or longer) to mend it – it’s all a part of the healing process. I just hope that the process can be sped up, because I don’t want to be in this state any longer. Then again, I come to realise that some things cannot be rushed, and I have to be kind and patient with myself. If I don’t, who will? I’m a human with emotions and I must, no matter what, confront my current feelings, which comprise sadness, anger and disappointment. That’s the beauty of growing up, I guess. Taking charge of your own well-being, getting yourself vulnerable, learning how to be afraid but at the same time muster the courage to face your fears, and accepting that some things in life are just out of your control.

The younger me would probably lock herself in the room, avoid eating or meeting people, doubt herself, cry like there’s no tomorrow, have pessimistic thoughts about the world and hurt herself. Now? It’s just meh. As much as I want to indulge myself in my feelings until I heal completely, I don’t want to miss out on life and things I can do to develop myself to be better than yesterday. I’m not pretending to be okay but y’know, I don’t want to suppress my emotions and chuck them aside, only to allow them to slowly eat me up. Instead, I decided to channel them through my daily activities, mostly by talking to people and exercising every single day. As for those broken walls of trust, I decided not to rebuild them, but leave them deconstructed and torn down as they are. This does not mean that I don’t have trust issues anymore (they’ve become worse, to be honest) but those walls didn’t help. Well, I was careful and yet I still got my trust breached in the end. There’s no point being cynical; it’s more helpful to accept that there are all sorts of people out there, and I have to face them eventually.

Maybe what I can do for myself is to take words with a pinch of salt, don’t invest my entire feelings, put my own needs ahead, and always to trust my gut feeling. Only I can save myself from despair, and to do that, I need to constantly remind myself not to be too hard on myself. Happiness is a choice; don’t rely on anyone for that. 

Wow what a great pep talk. In reality, I’m at the stage where I’m like “Ughh why? You foolish girl,” and “Humans disgust me. I should avoid them and adopt more doggos.” Then again, I can’t help but believe that there’s good in every person. I still have faith in humanity, no matter how people never fail to surprise me with their shit. This is why I keep getting myself hurt for becoming an extra and getting caught up in their life dramas. As for love, I decided to be remain optimistic about it regardless what happened. I AM still worthy of love and I WILL NOT stop myself from loving. I don’t know how long it will take for me to let someone in again (probably a few years? idk, good men are endangered), but for now, I’m just gonna be here for myself. I have someone too, and her name is Jean. 🙂

There there, I’m progressing well, slowly but definitely. 

I deserve a self-pat. 

 

 

 

Déjà Vu

Some things never change, just like how I never learn. History repeats itself, and it’s back to square one again.

To save myself from yet another disappointment, I should really keep the promise I made to myself, the promise that I won’t let it break again, and I will guard it well by all means.

Thank u, next.

Key takeaways from my 2018:

  1. Organised a meaningful tournament for ambitious youths who have strong passion for scrabble.
  2. Met a mentor who taught and guided me through the legal fraternity.
  3. Hurt my best friend’s feelings but eventually learnt to stop being too apologetic about everything.
  4. Later got myself a group of supportive friends in the ever-intimidating law school.
  5. Attempted something I failed at last year for the second time, with courage and self-confidence.
  6. Released myself from the inner shackles and decided that I shouldn’t waste my time feeling sad. So much happier now wheeeeee (:
  7. Learnt how to manage my time well and realised that my mindset is my only obstacle.
  8. Spent more time on Subtle Asian Traits and entertained myself with the memes cos I need humour (even cheap ones) in my life.
  9. Tried something new, i.e. Blockchain, ear-piercing, etc.
  10. Still single (and not trying). Lol.

I’m so f***king grateful for 2018.

Thank u, next.

WhatsApp Image 2018-12-09 at 20.58.37

Best Mistake

When two persons are madly in love, they will not give a damm about anything. This, is the beginning of the plot.

He will be the reason she smiles, and she will be the reason he tries to be better. They will talk about goals, about how they’re gonna help each other to improve on their weaknesses, about the places they wish to travel to one day. They share their stories, their inner jokes and laugh to themselves. They look forward to meeting each other every day, and slowly, it becomes a routine. They’re inseparable – everything seems so perfect.

Then the plot thickens and escalates.

They’re still in love, but they don’t express it that often. They’re comfortable with no conversations over dinner, silence over Netflix. Daily routines are still routines, though they tend to skip or let them slip off their minds.

Little did they know, sparks start to form, not in their eyes but the friction between them. They begin to realise their differences, their disagreements on certain aspects. They are rarely spotted together, because obligations needed them more than they need each other.

They start keeping things to themselves – the dissatisfaction, the flaws, the expectations. It then becomes complete silence, silence so loud that they can’t hear each other anymore.

“Are you angry?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Fine.”

Conversations gradually turn into 10-word phrases, or less.

They turn their backs on each other, they avoid eye-contact all because it makes them annoyed, frustrated, angry, –

No.

Sad.

“I never thought I would hate you this much…No, I miss you.”

Still avoiding eye-contact, they have the talk. Being honest to each other is difficult, but what’s more important than mending their relationship? They still need each other in their lives. A better version of each other. Apologies turn into new promises, new way of loving.

Things aren’t the same as they used to be. They become more tolerable for each other, and are extra careful with the change. The usual routines are proceeded, but less often. They made a pact to give each other space. But something’s amiss.

Space, that space, has volume. That personal space, slowly occupies their shared space. Distance is now a friend. What went wrong? They instantly regret making up when they realise what they work for is eventually coming to an end. They’re not meant to be, but they wish to give themselves another chance.

“Silly us.”

Thinking back, they smile. Regret is not on their minds and it should only come without trying. Here, at least they tried. They never envisioned a perfect relationship. All they wish for is an opportunity, and this opportunity taught them how to love, respect, be emphatic and forgive.

You may not be the one I’m looking for, but it doesn’t change the fact that I loved you.

I tried, we tried, but you’re still a mistake.

My best mistake. 

 

Note: Funny how I didn’t expect to experience the same when I wrote this. 

What’s wrong with you?!

Your sense of entitlement.

You have no shame in demanding respect from everyone in exchange for your respect for them. Your classmate forgot to say hi? You decide to ignore him for days. Your friend did not remember to buy you food? You decide to do the same. Whilst “an eye for an eye” is a legit principle for retributive punishment in criminal law, there are times that we have to remind ourselves that we can’t decide for anyone on how he/she is to be treated. “Taking justice” into our own hands seems like a right thing to do, but more often than not, we forget that we’re not saving people. That false sense of righteousness misdirects us into tormenting others in order to make ourselves feel better.

Why can’t we, for once, put down our ego? Are we really entitled beings? It’s ironic how one joins in the fight for equality, but rejects equal treatment. Of course everyone wants to be treated nicely. If you and me have a ridiculously high sense of entitlement, no one will take initiatives to start spreading kindness without wishing for anything in return. We’ll end up being fools waiting for others to feed us kind remarks and give us assistance, because apparently tolerance is stupid. Not willing to give way? Well, don’t expect others to do the same for you.

Do you know? If there’s no tolerance in this world, wars will be erupting everywhere. There’ll be no peace and mutual understanding. It’s a collective initiative that requires a humble individual beginning, and it starts with you. Always be the better person no matter how horrible the other person is.

You think you’re right most of the time.

This is a common trait among homo sapiens. They assume they’re smarter than the rest when they get educated. Mind you, educated people aren’t in fact, “educated”. Let me explain.

In an ideal world, educated is equivalent to civilised. In the actual world, many educated people are far from civilised. Getting enrolled in a top university will not make you a deity. There are more life skills to be learned out in the society, because the education you receive only prepares you for the final examination, which is a determinant of whether you are getting a degree or not. It is true that common sense is no longer common, and you’ll be asking yourself why university graduates are dumb.

It’s really amusing that you aren’t afraid to argue with someone who knows more, even with little knowledge. You think you’ve known it all, and you reject the possibility that you may be wrong. Constructive criticisms get you on your nerves as you don’t get to hear what you expect. You’ll be wondering why others are stupid and never get your points. In fact, they’re secretly laughing behind your back at your comedy performances.

No one knows everything. We learn from each other, and with criticisms, we know what we should improve on. There are too many academically high-achieving university graduates out there, and to outperform the others, one needs to acquire soft skills and be flexible accordingly. A stubborn person will always be left behind because he/she will never see the light by being insistent on a point that others stop accepting. “Be yourself” is not sufficient – “be your rational self” is the way.

You form prejudices too easily.

In administrative law, I learned a principle of natural justice called “right to be heard”. There are three sides to a story. First, party A’s version. Second, party B’s version. Third, the truth. There’ll always be discrepancies in both parties’ versions, and it’s rather difficult to know the truth unless you’re a witness. Instead of only listening to one side and believing it completely, it is important for us to allow the other side to explain. I believe, in every dispute or conflict, no matter big or small, no party is truly innocent. It’s the perspectives that influence your judgment towards a person.

It bothers me how a friend of mine tends to judge too quickly without thinking from another perspective. Is empathy really dead? Perhaps not everyone thinks like me. If you are in the shoes of the misunderstood person, you will hope that someone clears your name and takes into consideration of your situation. I know how terrible it feels when people disregard your good side and turn to magnify on your flaws. Sadly, humans are judgmental, and I always try my best to avoid such people.

What’s worse is there are people who love to spread rumours. Unfortunately, rumour is a great traveller, and more often than not, if the stories about you seem legit to them, there’s no way you’ll be able to defend yourself. You’ll start to be self-destructive when you started to believe in the rumours about yourself, and doubt yourself when in fact, there is nothing wrong with you at all.

If you don’t want anyone to feel terrible about him/herself, stop forming prejudices in your head. They can kill. Instead, try to understand.

You always deny problems and run away without confronting.

This is a tough point. Not everyone is brave enough to step out of their comfort zones. However, running away is never a solution, because it doesn’t solve anything! Your problem will be left to slowly devour you, and no matter how many times you try to shake it off, it will be chained to you. Permanently.

Misunderstandings often occur because we lack communication. It is my contention that technology kills relationships, because people rarely talk openly nowadays. They share their problems via Facebook status, Instagram stories and Twitter, but never with the person who contributed to such a situation. It takes time to cool off after fights and arguments, but if too much time is taken to patch things up, bid farewell to the sinking relationship.

Pretending that everything’s fine is actually toxic. Not only you don’t know the root of the problem, you also forgo the chance to understand the other person better. Technology has no feelings, but humans do. Emotions are what connect us, and to deny them is to be less human.

Sadly, I’ve been having this issue as well. I want to talk so badly, but there’s something that’s stopping me. My reluctance to do so is probably one of the main reasons why I can’t maintain a relationship (I mean friendship) well for long.

There’s something wrong with me as well.

Gloomy days.

My grandmother passed away.

Not even in Malaysia.

But a place faraway.

The last time i met her was weeks ago. I’ve been in KL all this time, but I did not take the effort to see her. I remember how I rejected when my mother asked if i wanna tag along, and the reason’s because of how occupied i was with my competition.

Am I putting a blame on my competition? No, I’m not. It’s my personal choice to sign up and to challenge myself.

It’s the timing.

Stage four stomach cancer. She would have lived longer if it wasn’t for cancer. As we all know, there’s no definite cure for it. All that’s left to be done is to count down the days. We did not even disclose this to her, because she’s a pessimist. But deep down, I’m pretty sure she knew that she had very less time left.

I did visit her every weekend during the long break and the beginning of the semester. At times like this, even a broken, dysfunctional family is capable of being united again. I had to drive my mother to KL back and forth, bearing with the traffic congestion and my late grandmother’s favouritism towards my uncle. We felt ignored every time we visited, albeit the fact that our presence did make her happier. There were moments when I argued with my mother on how exhausted i felt about doing this so often. But i felt guilty whenever i saw anxiety in my mother’s eyes.

My late grandmother was far from a great mother, but she was an okay grandmother to my sister and I. No one could control her favouritism towards her son, nor could anyone forget how abusive she was. But forgiveness and acceptance was a choice we made. After all, she’s still a family member.

I wasn’t very fond of her, but I practically grew up in the mansion she used to live. Memories of her swearing and screaming at me unreasonably are not worth remembering, but they’re bittersweet. As she grew older, her temper became bearable and she threw less tantrums. And I too, grew to understand that just like everyone else, my late grandmother had issues too.

I thought I was mentally prepared for this day to come, but apparently it’s the opposite. I did not see it coming this early. For the sake of the competition, I chose not to go home.

And it happened, when I was in the midst of stressing out.

It would be a lie if I say I’m okay. Everything came at once – my grandmother’s passing, my competition, issues with my events, assignment deadlines, etc. I was overwhelmed and mentally drained. I allowed myself to mourn for a day or two, and resumed to work as if nothing happened.

However, I noticed that I’m losing the passion I once had for mooting. My performance was bad, still bad even after 3 training sessions. I thought that maybe, I didn’t put in sufficient effort. So I continued to push myself harder. I repeated the same thing daily – research, practice, research, practice.

To my disappointment, what I was doing all along did not show any progress.

I’m slowly losing hope. I want to quit.

Is it due to the repetitive nature of my work? Perhaps. I began to show signs of lethargy, and all I wanted to do was to throw everything aside and hibernate.

Then I realised, that I’m not fully okay yet. I’m still devastated. Tears, at this moment, are still streaming down my face.

All this while, I was in denial. I was being too hard on myself. I thought I could escape, but my grandmother’s death still haunts me.

When I allow my emotions to go unsettled, my productivity and performance will be greatly affected. Yes, I must admit upfront that I’m still not okay, and I need more time. Stop tormenting yourself, Jean.

I was worried that I would bring the team down, so I desperately tuck my emotions away in my inner closet. But they keep coming back. The closet couldn’t hold them. On top of that, I was alone on campus. Besides my teammates, there was no familiar face, or someone close, for me to talk or cry to.

I never felt this shitty before. I need a warm embrace and an assurance that I’ll be alright. 

A few friends texted me words of encouragement and support. I just want to thank you all, and apologise that I could not do this yet. I need a longer break than expected. Just like what my buddy told me, it’s a fucking competition. I’m human, and I have feelings too.

Yes, I’ll treat myself better. For those who are still wondering what’s up with my sad tweets and statuses, this post explains what I’m going through right now.

I’m still not okay, but fingers crossed I’ll be.